Now that summer is over, we can be relieved of a major summer eye-sore that plagues people everywhere – fat women stuffing themselves into tank tops or even bikini tops.  It’s a vicious cycle, really – she is overweight, so she gets overheated too easily, which leads her to dress in an, um, unflattering way, which causes other people to stare, gag, make rude comments etc, which make her feel badly about herself, which makes her stuff her face, which makes her gain weight, which makes her overheat, which makes her wear things like tank tops, and so it goes on and on.

But tank tops are not made to hold anything in!  How often do you see a fat woman walking around wearing a tank top who looks like she is about to burst out of it?  Have you ever been unlucky enough to witness a bursting?  There are laws banning the sharing of your “girls” you know.  In case you lost me, apparently some women refer to their breasts as their “girls”.  Whatever they call them, they should keep them to themselves, especially when we’re talking more ‘watermelon’ than ‘girl’.  Perhaps you don’t agree with me; maybe the shock of seeing all those fat women in tank tops has worn off for you in this cool autumn weather.  After all, in most parts of the country the weather has cooled and the tank tops have been put away.  How’s about a reminder to  get you on my bandwagon?  Imagine anticipating summer all winter long only to go to the beach and have to deal with this:

Fat women SHOULD NOT wear tank tops nor bikinis for that matter.  Period.

Have you ever been somewhere in public and smelled something really bad?  Of course you have, it happens to everyone.  You are stuck  standing in someone else’s fart.  When it happens to me, 9 times out of 10 there is a fat lady walking away from the stench.  Now I’m not blaming fat women for all the farts in the world, but it does seem like a pretty big coincidence that every time I smell a nasty fart there just happens to be a fat lady in the vicinity.  I guess the point that I’m trying to make is that if someone farts, be prepared to be blamed until you lose weight!  Now there is a motivational reason for weight loss that you probably hadn’t thought of before…

…then the fat ladies won’t be able to mall-walk anymore.  In an economy as terrible as ours, it seems that indoor malls are sinking nearly as fast as a fat lady in a swimming pool.  But then again, body fat is buoyant, so I digress…

I wonder if developers ever envisioned people using their malls as a way to still be able to walk laps while dodging inclement weather?  When they designed the fake-plant-lined walkways, did they picture old people and fat women walking past without a glance in the direction of the shops they were meant to patronize?

Personally, I’m tired of going to malls and getting blocked by the mall walkers.  I’m sick of having to dodge the old people, and I’m done pondering how to squeeze my average-sized frame past the fat women who are utilizing the mall as their own personal exercise track.  And what is the point of fat women going to the malls to walk anyway when they just end their day at the food court, rewarding themselves with that billion-calorie ooey-gooey Cinnabon for a job well done?  Don’t they realize that they just packed on more calories than they burned when they waddled around the mall for a half-hour?

I am sitting in a nice relaxing recliner at the local pool and wasn’t even thinking of making a post.  That is until I heard the group of three teenage boys behind me talking about the “whale in the bikini”.   No, I didn’t think that someone had released their pet beluga into the waters…  I knew right away they were making fun of some horrendously fat woman who didn’t even have the decency to wear a bathing suit that would cover up all her blubber.

I can see her right now; splashing around like a walrus in a zoo at feeding time.  I feel like I am going to vomit.  This fat ball of blubber is taking up a good 10% of the kid’s swimming area — do you think she realizes that there are those people here who are just disgusted by her presence?

Look, if you’re a fat woman, do not go to the pool.  Get your own dang pool and swim in the privacy of your own backyard.  And, if you have to go to the pool for some reason (free BBQ night?) then wear something that hides your fat flabby body…  Eech.  I have to go to the restroom and…